I'm Not Happy

It's not that I'm sad about anything, per se, I just don't feel "happy." I wouldn't even call it depressed or unhappy (even though technically, I suppose, not being happy is being unhappy, it feels more like neutral to me -- not good, not bad).

I look at the joy and energy that wM has and exudes every waking moment. I don't feel that way. Haven't for a long time.

It doesn't worry me. It just is.

I wonder how long it will last.

Is It Any Of My Business

If I see a kid unrestrained (not in appropriate car seat or booster seat) in the backseat of their parent's car, while it is in motion.

Does it make a difference if it is my neighbour's kid or a friend's kid or a classmate's kid?

Today I Am Grateful

• That for the first time in about a week, I'm starting to feel a little bit human again.
• That I'm the only one in the family that was hit this hard with what ever it is.
• And that I was able to let so many things slide last week, in favour of sleep.

Letting go

If you know me well, you know that I'm not big on making resolutions. You want to do something in your life? Do it! (Or be like me and spend an inordinate amount of time brooding about doing it.) I'm not a fan of creating a list of goals that I have no intention or ability to complete.

This year feels a little different to me somehow. While I'm not going to create an itemized list of things to do for 2010, this year my focus is going to be "letting go."

Letting go of things like:

• negative internal dialogues
• feeling unworthy to the point of "over achieving" just to feel like I'm earning my keep
• the fear of not being good enough (mother, wife, daughter, neighbour ....)
• endless worry of things big and small
• overthinking
• clutter (physical, emotional, social, mental)
• allowing other people's opinions / attitudes /behaviours to have a big impact on me
• doing (in lieu of being)

For me, these things are monumental in size. If I can manage some of these things for a 5 minute stretch, it will be a fantastic baby step.

I can feel it in my bones. Big changes are coming in 2010. Here's hoping they're good ones!

Happy New Year!

It wouldn't be New Year's without the meme of review in the form of the first line of the first post of each month in 2009.

1. Let's start the New Year by looking back at the old one, with some perspective!
   
2. That I remembered to bring the online receipt showing the photo order was prepaid, to the store when I picked up my photos.
   
3. That wM's childhood has been more enriched, more nurturing and more fun than mine was over the same timeframe.
   
4. That all this rain isn't snow!
   
5. Robin in the rain, such a saucy fellow.
   
6. AA refuses to return my calls.
   
7. Should you ever find yourself in a heated argument with a right fighter, do not utter the words "get out of here," unless you actually mean, "please leave this physical location."
   
8. For the people in my life who want me to be the best "me" I can be.
   
9. That I discovered I left my purse at home on my way in to the grocery store and not at the check out!
   
10. That a dry clean only wool sweater came out on the right side of a near miss with spilled chocolate milk.
    
11. I had the opportunity to try, fresh picked from the farm, organic vegetables at no cost to me.
    
12. Today I am holding a grudge against anyone in my life that can't seem to let go of theirs.

May your 2010 be happy, healthy and grudge free!