Progress

One of my pet projects is to reduce the number of extra tasks I take on because I tend to "feel unworthy to the point of 'over achieving' just to feel like I'm earning my keep."

I've been doing this passively, by not taking on new things unless I'm absolutely invested in doing them and will gain some personal enjoyment or satisfaction from doing them. I've been figuratively sitting on my hands, lest they raise themselves involuntarily to take on new assignments.

This has been helpful in the sense that I'm only mildly overcommitted instead of being completely buried by outside commitments. However, by doing this I'm still not convincing myself that "I'm good enough as I am."

I've recently made baby steps towards that goal.

The head of a local non-profit where I volunteer some of my time, recently mentioned to me how completely swamped one of the key staff members is by his responsibilities. They casually mentioned how in years previous, some of the volunteers would step-up and help out a couple of hours a day. What a big help it would be, they indicated, if someone could help out with this responsibility even a few days a week.

Mentally, I took three steps back, lest someone thought I was stepping forward to take that on. Not only would that be a significant time commitment, but it would be doing work I wouldn't enjoy. Not one bit.

I took a deep breath and said as calmly and matter of factly as I could muster, "I can't make that kind of commitment."

Guess what?

The answer was accepted and not argued or debated! The organization head is still talking to me and friendly to me! My other, more minor contributions are still valued! I haven't been banned! The earth continues to spin on its axis!

Maybe, just maybe, I am good enough as I am.

Today I Am Grateful

That there are people that stop by here and remind me of things about which to be grateful!

I am VERY grateful for sunshine in November!

Exasperated

The other day, wM was playing with her friends, Cee and Dee.

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Needless to say, wM felt a tad put out.

Does this make sense to you?

Brain Dump

For some time now, I've had a number of semi-complicated issues swirling around in my head. Waiting patiently for me to make the time to sift through them write them out here.

We all see how well that plan has worked.

So today I'll do a quick and dirty dump here and see where that takes me.

• The progress on letting go has been very small, but not for lack of trying. I'm much more aware of the habits I'd like to change. But the actual real life change is still very small. Apparently you can't "white knuckle" letting go. Who knew?
  
• In retrospect, when I wrote that I'm not happy, it was a stepping stone to me realizing that maybe I've never ever really been happy. I mean, I've certainly been as happy as I'm capable of being at this point. But even when I was a child, I'm not sure I ever let myself be as happy as wM is capable of being. I'd like to work on that. I expect I need to sort through much of the first point on my journey there.
  
• I am very grateful that there are so many people at wM's school that want the best for her. But I get frustrated by well-intentioned off-handed comments or actions by the staff that mess things up for us here. For example, commenting that maybe wM should be bringing something different for school lunches. The upshot of that is, instead of having a grand total of THREE things wM is willing to take for lunch, now we only have TWO choices. Thanks.
  
• I've been struggling with the green-eyed monster. It's funny, I can't think of anyone else's complete life that I'd prefer over mine. But it's very easy to see snatches of their lives about which I let myself become envious. Like the woman in the acting intensive I took a half-dozen years ago. The one who starred in a Canadian series and is now doing US shows like the CSI franchise. Or the double income families with disposable cash! I try really hard to focus on the things for which I am grateful -- because I know that I have more than my fair share. But it's so easy to get distracted and think that the grass is greener elsewhere.
  
• I feel like a fraud in many areas of my life. I'm not up to date with the field I studied in college, so that I can't really be useful in that field. I've never been formally educated in the field for which I most recently earned income, so I'm not qualified there. The acting thing isn't working out so well either. (Which could be a whole other bullet about whether I'm self-sabotaging even during the audition application process or whether it is just getting prioritized low out of necessity.) I've stopped and started in a number of hobbies. Jack of all trades. MASTER OF NONE.
  
• The feature length film I worked on back in 2006 is never going to see the light of day. I've recently seen audition notices from the production company. They're going to recast and re-shoot. They've tweaked the character parts, such that I'm not even eligible for auditioning. This is a good news / bad news thing. While I would have liked to have some footage from this for my reel, I'm a little relieved to be out of the project. It kinda sucks though to have to remove that from the old resume.
  
• There's a mom at the school who is a self-centered, self-serving, thoughtless, insensitive person. I'm really tired of sharing air with her. I'm really tired of her being able to get away with all the crap that she does. She is wearing. me. down.
  
  The worst part? I don't know why I let her. I don't know how to stop letting her. It would be much healthier for me if I could just let anything related to her slide off my back.
  

That's it for now.

Thanks for stopping by.

Today I Am Grateful

That so far I've been home and able to pick up wM from school whenever the office calls and lets me know she's not feeling well.

Today I Am Grateful

That when I went to fill my car tires up with air, that I followed someone who hadn't used up all of their paid time and I got to fill them up for free!