Saturday, November 13, 2010

Brain Dump

For some time now, I've had a number of semi-complicated issues swirling around in my head. Waiting patiently for me to make the time to sift through them write them out here.

We all see how well that plan has worked.

So today I'll do a quick and dirty dump here and see where that takes me.
  • The progress on letting go has been very small, but not for lack of trying. I'm much more aware of the habits I'd like to change. But the actual real life change is still very small. Apparently you can't "white knuckle" letting go. Who knew?
  • In retrospect, when I wrote that I'm not happy, it was a stepping stone to me realizing that maybe I've never ever really been happy. I mean, I've certainly been as happy as I'm capable of being at this point. But even when I was a child, I'm not sure I ever let myself be as happy as wM is capable of being. I'd like to work on that. I expect I need to sort through much of the first point on my journey there.
  • I am very grateful that there are so many people at wM's school that want the best for her. But I get frustrated by well-intentioned off-handed comments or actions by the staff that mess things up for us here. For example, commenting that maybe wM should be bringing something different for school lunches. The upshot of that is, instead of having a grand total of THREE things wM is willing to take for lunch, now we only have TWO choices. Thanks.
  • I've been struggling with the green-eyed monster. It's funny, I can't think of anyone else's complete life that I'd prefer over mine. But it's very easy to see snatches of their lives about which I let myself become envious. Like the woman in the acting intensive I took a half-dozen years ago. The one who starred in a Canadian series and is now doing US shows like the CSI franchise. Or the double income families with disposable cash! I try really hard to focus on the things for which I am grateful -- because I know that I have more than my fair share. But it's so easy to get distracted and think that the grass is greener elsewhere.
  • I feel like a fraud in many areas of my life. I'm not up to date with the field I studied in college, so that I can't really be useful in that field. I've never been formally educated in the field for which I most recently earned income, so I'm not qualified there. The acting thing isn't working out so well either. (Which could be a whole other bullet about whether I'm self-sabotaging even during the audition application process or whether it is just getting prioritized low out of necessity.) I've stopped and started in a number of hobbies. Jack of all trades. MASTER OF NONE.
  • The feature length film I worked on back in 2006 is never going to see the light of day. I've recently seen audition notices from the production company. They're going to recast and re-shoot. They've tweaked the character parts, such that I'm not even eligible for auditioning. This is a good news / bad news thing. While I would have liked to have some footage from this for my reel, I'm a little relieved to be out of the project. It kinda sucks though to have to remove that from the old resume.
  • There's a mom at the school who is a self-centered, self-serving, thoughtless, insensitive person. I'm really tired of sharing air with her. I'm really tired of her being able to get away with all the crap that she does. She is wearing. me. down.

    The worst part? I don't know why I let her. I don't know how to stop letting her. It would be much healthier for me if I could just let anything related to her slide off my back.

That's it for now.

Thanks for stopping by.


Andrea said...

Sometimes some people do have greener grass. It isn't a sin to see it, or wonder what it would be like.

I miss you, eh? We should try to meet up again sometime soon.

Miche said...

Andrea: Good point. The eyes see what they see.

Sounds good. I'll send you an e-mail in a couple of weeks when my schedule clears!