Today I Am Grateful

• that I found the nail in my tire, while I was safe in a parking lot


• that I didn't have a flat tire on the highway


• that I can afford an autoservice


• that the gentleman the autoservice sent came quickly and was both personable and professional

Best Feedback Ever!

wM: I can't wait until I'm a mom and can play with my child.

me: Why's that?

wM: Because it looks like you're having so much fun playing with me!

More Guilty Pleasures

Again from "The Sing Off"


Hallowe'en opening number:




Dartmouth Aires -- Queen Medley:




Yellowjackets -- Billy Joel Medley:




YellowJackets -- The Sing-Off Exit Song:

The Moment

I just had a moment, where I realized a friendship that I have in real life, doesn't match the parameters of the same friendship in my head. The reality isn't nearly as good as the internal impression.

It's always a bit disappointing when that happens.

It's liberating too.

Now I can move on, leaving my antiquated notions behind and living in the present.

Today I Am Grateful

That the two police officers manning the speed trap were already occupied as I zipped past, perhaps a little over the limit.

Today I Am Grateful

That when the coolant light went on in my car, it was in the morning and before I hit the main roads. Also thankful that the local service station was able to take me and check things out same day. Also happy that no major repairs were required.

Mostly grateful that I wasn't on the road with wM in tow at a point when things stopped working as they should.

Celebrate the wins!

Too Funny

So the Blogger dashboard thinks that this blog is popular and I should try AdSense. Popular? Really?

Wow. Does this mean I'm finally one of the cool kids?

RBO: Unexpressed Anger

In a perfect world, I would be able to let day-to-day irritations slide as per this Buddhist parable. Some days, however, it seems like I have a big basket of things I hold in my head. I'm hoping to put a bunch of them down here now, so I don't have to carry them anymore.

• Why are there so many people out there with double standards? Why is it OK for you to do rude things to me but I have to be perfect and polite back or else you get snarky?
  


• When I'm stopped at an intersection, with the sounds of an emergency vehicle blaring close by, it is NOT okay to lean on your horn expecting me to move, even if the light is green. Chances are I don't think it's safe. Oh, and it's the law.
  


• When I've been a good friend to you by going with you to the movies (even when I don't feel like it), seeing a genre Q show (even though I don't generally like genre Q) with your favourite actor (even though I don't like him) when there are a bunch of other movies I would have rather seen, I don't much like it when I express an interest in a genre Q movie with one of my favourite actors (you say you don't like genre Q) and when I talk outloud about wondering whether or not I'm going to see the show in theatre or on DVD (without even asking you to see it with me), you state "you could just not see it."
  


• Why is it okay for you to ask me for favours when you spent significant periods of time pretending I don't exist?
  


• What gives you the right to insult my heritiage in from of wM? You have your issues with me, I know, but do not drag wM into it.

Thankfully these issues are not all from the same person.

Thank you for letting me unburden myself of them here.

Buried By Life

How do other people get anything done?

The summer's more than half over and we've been sidetracked and waylaid at every turn!

Gack!

On Being Certain

I haven't had a chance to read the book recommended in the last post's comments yet. However, I did skim some online reviews and let me say, that in itself lifted a tremendous burden!

Now when I hear people 110% confident about things where I'm sure I'm wrong, I just imagine that the certainty part of their brain is larger than the certainty part of my brain. It's just anatomy and has nothing to do with fact. Usually I just let it go ('cause I try not to be a right fighter if it doesn't really matter), but in the times where it bugs me, I feel much better about voicing my opinion and standing my ground.

And whether or not it is true, I'm going to apply the brain elasticity theory to the certainty part of my brain and see if I can grow it over time.

Wish me luck!

Missing Gene

I'm missing a gene most other people have. It's the only possible explanation.

How else could it be that most other people can be so completely confident, even when they're wrong. How can they argue their position so vehemently? More importantly, why do I concede my position even when I know that I'm right?

Why do I walk around with this burden of multiple insecurities when so many people out there just approach life with the default position that they're right and competent. All. The. Time.

How do I get me some of that? (And as an aside, why do I let other people get to me so?)

Today I Am Grateful

That wM is growing into a young person I like, in spite of my constant meddling.

Why Is It?

That whenever I seriously consider shutting down my business, things pick up?

Today I Am Grateful

That I was close to both home and a mechanic when my car started acting funny. And not on my way too or stuck at someplace much further away.

Things To Say To Bullies

Dr. Phil teams up with American Girl author, Patti Criswell, to tackle the most important issues facing young ladies.

From DrPhil.com:

She gives examples of how young ladies can stand up to bullies. “There are
so many options. You can look at [bullies] and you could say, ‘That doesn’t
even make sense.’ You could say, ‘What are you doing?’ I like the one-word
technique, because sometimes girls get anxious when they try to stand up for
others. So think of one word you could say that could shut a bully down without
getting you in trouble ... You look at them very confused and say, ‘What?”
Or very bored and say, ‘Whatever.’ Or you could look at them and kind of nod and
say, ‘Wow.'"

“You want to rehearse these things,” Dr. Phil tells Miah. “Practice
it in the mirror. Practice it with your mom.”

No Deal

They were willing to make some change to the major icky things, but didn't want to have to incur lawyer's fees to do so. (I was willing to take on 50% of the fee.) They said they had over 100 other people sign without issue.

I wonder whether or not I made mountains out of molehills. My lawyer, Mr. Miche and I all feel safer with me not signing. I don't think they were paying me enough anyway. I didn't stand to make a ton of cash from them overall, either.

Still ... icky.

Icky

Why does standing up for myself always feel icky?

I'm supposed to do some short-term occasional contract work starting this weekend. The company has recently changed names and all the paper needs to be signed again. They've added a new document which raised some flags. I contacted a lawyer to review the doc. Lawyer said not to sign any of the docs as is and one needs a major overhaul.

Now I'm waiting to hear of the company even wants to consider these changes. And I'm going to ask if they'll split some of the legal fees or have me work without a contract. Or even if they still want me to come in on the weekend.

All I feel now is icky.

Things That Make Me Anxious

In no particular order:

• bed bugs (in places like transit, libraries, schools, restaurants, movie theatres)


• the invasion of clutter that seems to be winning


• thinking of parting with wM's baby things


• making joint decisions involving large sums of monies to do things I'm not sure I want to do (I'm not sure I don't, I'm just not sure I do)


• inability to keep up correspondence with friends


• my inability to generate meaningful income (secondary to lack of marketing skills)


• thinking about the future a smart (but less than motivated) 20 yo I know that hasn't finished high-school, had a job or done any volunteer work


• aging family members


• parenting

That feels better. Now if I can just keep them out of my brain and leave them in this post.

Dear Universe, WTF?

Dear Universe,

I'm on to you. I see the pattern now. I start to let go of my anxieties around financial stability and then Mr. M losses his job. I start to feel happy about my place in life and a family member has a sudden onset health issue. I put down the mental burden of X with the faith that everything is going to be alright and you slap me across the the head with a brick.

Yes, I realize after the fact that the bricks didn't leave any permanent scarring damange. But they leave a helluva sting in the short term. You're toying with some serious operant conditioning patterns that are reinforcing my already-too-tight grip on anxieties.

Maybe we could chat about this over coffee one day instead.

Anxiously yours,
Me

PSA

Dear Gentlemen:

When your hosting-averse significant other tells you point blank that she is exhausted and on the verge of completely losing it, it is not recommended to invite company over for a visit.

I'm just saying.

Yours,
Me

Good News Alert!

It's official! There are NO new food allergies to report at the Miche household!

WOOT!

Now I can exhale.

Unfair

Recently, a very caring and capable person in my community, was forced out of their job because they felt physically threatened by someone else in the community.

Our community is losing all of the positives and benefits of this person, because of one bad apple.

And there is nothing that anyone can do about it.

How can that be fair?

Ungrateful

I've had frequent episodes of feeling ungrateful in the recent past. Feeling tremendous disappointment with outcomes of things into which I put a lot of thought and effort. Frustration with my inability to generate income. Hopelessness with the keeping up with chores. The futility of repeatedly throwing my body against proverbial brick walls. Instead of giving up, I keep doing the same things but with greater intensity.

It's not working. Big surprise.

While I spend the majority of my time cheefully and optimistically forging ahead, these episodes of feeling completely stuck really drag me down.

I know intellectually that perhaps, just a little, I'm trying too hard. Quite frankly, I don't know how to let go enough to decrease the magnitude. I know at the very least that I need to back off and relax about things. M'be stop trying all together. Not quite sure how to get there from here.

And then, with some effort, I need to remind myself to get my head out of my butt. That my problems are completely and utterly #FirstWorldProblems. I have a wonderful family and my health and food and shelter and clean water so quityerbitching already.

In a life with so much, how can it be so easy to loose focus and spend time and effort moaning and groussing?

Time to start focusing back on the gratitude.

Today

Even if it's only for five minutes, I will believe in my own self-worth and not seek external validation of same.

It's Corny

But the lyrics for the Bruno Mars song "Just The Way You Are" always make me think of wM as a baby. And I hope that as an adult, she finds someone she loves who feels the same way about her.

Oh her eyes, her eyes
Make the stars look like they're not shining
Her hair, her hair
Falls perfectly without her trying

She's so beautiful
And I tell her every day

Yeah I know, I know
When I compliment her
She wont believe me
And it's so, it's so
Sad to think she don't
see what I see

But every time she asks me
Do I look okay?
I say

When I see your face
There's not a thing that I would change
Cause you're amazing
Just the way you are
And when you smile,
The whole world stops and stares for awhile
Cause girl you're amazing
Just the way you are

Her nails, her nails
I could kiss them all
day if she'd let me
Her laugh, her laugh
She hates but I think it's so sexy

She's so beautiful
And I tell her every day

Oh you know, you know, you know
I'd never ask you to change
If perfect's what you're searching for
Then just stay the same

So don't even bother asking
If you look okay
You know I say

When I see your face
There's not a thing that I would change
Cause you're amazing
Just the way you are
And when you smile,
The whole world stops and stares for awhile
Cause girl you're amazing
Just the way you are

The way you are
The way you are
Girl you're amazing
Just the way you are

When I see your face
There's not a thing that I would change
Cause you're amazing
Just the way you are
And when you smile,
The whole world stops and stares for awhile
Cause girl you're amazing
Just the way you are

All Is Well That Ends Well

Friend came to watch a class of wM's extracurricular. Turns out it isn't her cup of tea.

*phew*

Troubling Trouble

Yes, I know the old adage about not troubling trouble 'til it troubles you. But I'm an anxious worrier. My mind races through the myriad of possible outcomes and fixates on the less than desirable ones. Yes, I'm working on letting that go. But until then....

My child is typically on the trailing end of the learning curve. Walking, talking, reading etc. On the curve, mind you, but wM tends to lag just a touch. Marching to the beat of her own drummer. She waits until she's good and ready thank. you. very. much.

Many of her friends, however, are truly gifted in one or more areas. A couple are reading 3 grade levels above what's expected. Some have perfect pitch. Some excel at math. Some are super athletic. It bums wM out when she notices the gap. We try to focus on individual accomplishment and less on comparison. "No matter how good you are at something, there will always be someone better and worse." It is important to me as a parent, however, that wM have something of her own in which she can excel.

Lucky for us, one of extracurricular physical activities that delights wM is something in which she is progressing slightly ahead of the curve. Go team wM!

Here's the sticking point. One of her closer friends (who excels markedly in a few areas) wishes to join wM in this extracurricular. wM seems happy with the idea that her friend will be in her class. But a little niggling part in the back of my brain can't help but be a little worried that her friend will eclipse her and take the shine off of the one thing that's been her's alone until now.

Can anyone out there tell me how to shut that part of the brain off?

Please?

Enjoyment In Lieu Of Resentment

It came into focus for me, over the break, that my mindset has a habit of embracing resentment. in lieu of embracing enjoyment. I'd rather resent that someone broke the "no gift" rule than enjoy the generosity they offered me. I'd rather resent the time demanded of me than enjoy the moment of the companionship.

Granted, in some of those cases it would take me considerable effort to find the enjoyment. (For example in the situation where one is not particularly fond of one's companion.) For the most part, however, there is some low hanging enjoyment that I am capable of grasping.

While I continue last year's jouney of letting go, I will add to the list the idea of letting go of resentment to make room for accepting enjoyment.

Believe

Magic is believing in yourself, if you can do that, you can make anything happen.

Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

Wishing you the very best in 2011!